Monday, January 09, 2006

Any of you guys know Brad Friedel!

Brad Friedel is a son of a bitch!

Brad Friedel is the father of every kid in this town!

Brad Friedel once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

One time I was with Friedel in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Friedel goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Brad Friedel! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'bradfriedel ' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!

His shit is used as currency in Argentina.

He sweats Gatorade.

He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! ...And he hated irony!

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

He sheds his skin once a year.

He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.

He did 3 tours in 'Nam... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Friedel!

I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson.

He sleeps eight hours a night! ... well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Brad Friedel is a two-ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Friedel takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Friedel yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found '‘em!

Brad Friedel had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. The Doctor said his heart looked like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese.

He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.

They once found $60 in change in his stomach.

He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie.

He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault.

Friedel drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, “All in all, I prefer gin.”

They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Friedel talk in his sleep.

He date raped David Bowie.

He once inhaled a seagull.

The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.

It was the sight of Friedel's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

He sired a whole soccer orchestra if you count the bastards!

Brad Friedel is from Ohio, but has a British accent.

You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!

He has dandruff the size of mice!

He jogs with a fridge on his back!

Brad Friedel is a 10-foot monster that slept with all our wives, and punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!

His first name is Brad!!! ... I'm drunk.

He's a ten-foot tall beast man who showers in vodka and feeds his baby, shrimp scampi.

He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.

He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel went hunting? Friedel decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Mötley Crüe. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except for Vince Neil.

We once had a bachelor party for Friedel. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Friedel once hosted the Grammy Awards and gave every award to Corey Hart.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Friedel once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

Friedel's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Friedel was ranked 3rd in the BCS College Football Poll after his Orange Bowl victory.

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Friedel chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He breastfeeds John Madden.

Friedel named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.

If you drop a phonograph needle on Friedel's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'

They use Friedel's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at RFK stadium.

Friedel directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.

All the 'Yes' album covers are Friedel family photos.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked on Turn 3 and died. Friedel said it would've happened sometime.

Friedel's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'

Friedel still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He thinks that the Iron Man Triathlon is gay.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Friedel - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.

He gave a hand job to a manta ray.

Brad Friedel saved not one, but two penalty kicks in the 2002 World Cup in Korea and then ate 100 dogs.

The BBC renamed Ruud van Nistelrooy to Ruud van BradFriedel'sBitch™

Brad Friedel used the rib he ripped from Ugo Ehiogu to create a forty-second wife for himself.

After bowing out of the FA Cup to Sunderland, David Thompson, Andy Cole, and Corrado Grabbi went to Brad Friedel to apologize for their poor efforts from the Penalty Spot. Friedel told them that he had had been upset for a few minutes, but now that anger had passed and it was time follow the time honored tradition in America of "burying the hatchet". So Friedel pulls out an Iroquois Tomahawk and buries it in each of their skulls.

[Blackburn Rovers Commentary]

“You know what I've heard about our man Brad from his mother who traveled here to see the match today?”

No, tell us Nigel?

“She said Brad Friedel is a son of a bitch!” "She also said Brad was on the original Real World cast but was completely edited out of the show because he was continually swearing and never had any clothes on.”

"Dear me. What a Bastard. She told me while she was raping me that in Vietnam, Friedel had 5000 confirmed kills and all of them French!!”

[/Blackburn Rovers Commentary]

Friedel? He goes about 8'-4" and about 25 stone these days.

Friedel created the Internet so he could instantly send a threatening letter to Bea Arthur.

He once jumped a drawbridge in the Pope-mobile!

Did you know Friedel performed Dick Cheney's open-heart surgery? Well Friedel walks in, NAKED! Then he strolls up to the operating table and says "You're not dying on my watch!" and he injects Cheney's heart with Tabasco sauce and I'll be damned if he didn't make a full recovery!

He college roommate was Joey Buttafuoco!

Like a shark he has 3 rows of teeth!Friedel shot the sheriff! And just to be different he also shot the deputy!

He picks his nose with a jackhammer!

He keeps Tom Jones in a cage and calls him Polly.

They say he made David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany on a bet.He thinks Wil Wheaton would make a beautiful woman with the right surgery.

His dandruff is 100% cocaineFriedel has taken up polo.

His favorite way to play is to ride around on Prince Charles' back and hit hedgehogs with a cricket bat!God Save Brad Friedel

In preparation for the "shock and awe" campaign against the Iraqi Army, General Tommy Franks stated that Friedel’s goal scoring video would be broadcast over Iraqi airwaves during the first hours of the invasion to awe the Iraqi military. To shock Saddam's troops, the USAF plans to drop Brad Friedel's socks onto Iraqi positions. They would have dropped his underwear if he wore them.

The movie Goldfinger inspired Friedel to put an ejector seat in his car. He uses it when he's driving and his wife gets on his nerves!

He had an oil painting of Elvis Presley being sodomized by Chewbacca put up in the Blackburn dressing room. He says it helps him relax.

Al Gore may have invented the Internet, but Brad Friedel invented Al Gore. He built him out of scrap metal and cigarettes and a block of wood.

Brad Friedel's fist is like a wrecking ball with a gold Rolex.

Brad Friedel WAS the grassy knoll.I once saw Brad Friedel make an ice sculpture. Canada was never the same.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Red-hot sex with four women at once is next to Friedelness.

The only difference between the Blackburn-Fulham match with Brad Friedel and the My Lai massacre is the humidity.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Brad Friedel gave to me: Twelve jurors acquitting', Eleven Lords a' bowing', Ten fingers breaking', Nine naughty nymphos, Eight redheaded stepchildren, Seven Satans singing, Six syphilitic hookers, FIVE BROKEN RIBS, Four gangrenous limbs, Three black eyes, Two giant testes, and a good asskickin' for free.

The number one cause of divorce in England is lack of communication. The number two cause is Brad Friedel.

Brad Friedel uses his dinner fork to eat his salad, and vice-versa! And no one has the stones to correct him.

Brad Friedel came on the Mayflower. Every woman on board was instantly impregnated.

Brad Friedel's car runs off of baby dolphins and it can only be started with an NRA membership card or by firing a gun into the dashboard.

Best damn car salesman in the office!

He once took Tom Cruise on a test drive on a bobcat with a saddle on its back and I'll be damned if he didn't pay full price for that car INCLUDING the undercoating!

Friedel was worried that drinking was affecting his performance at work so he gave it up. He drank scotch guard as a replacement therapy for real scotch!

Friedel has raped the Queen of England and Princess Diana’s corpse more times than the Queen or the corpse are willing to admit.

I admire Brad Friedel like a Father. A drunken abusive Father, but a Father, nonetheless.He killed my wife when he tried to jump a drawbridge on a moped. I hate this man with a burning white hate! But at her funeral Friedel stood up to deliver the eulogy and let the longest, smelliest, loudest fart I have ever heard and I'll be damned if I didn't laugh harder than I've ever laughed before!

To Brad Friedel, the man who beat the Leafs in 4 games and had the dictionary tattooed on his left buttock!!

Brad Friedel once masturbated in front of Brittany Spears and Elizabeth Taylor at the same time, and then he asked them if they wanted their checks together or separate.

Brad Friedel ran a flashy campaign and forced his way into the unsuspecting student government of James K. Polk Middle School.

Friedel was the lead programmer for Dig Dug.

Brad Friedel is the best damn snowmobile salesman there ever was!

He uses Old Spice aftershave as nasal spray!

He fashions graven images from frozen seawater!

He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt!

This one time, Friedel burned a CD with nothing but the sounds of his bowel movements and the screams of his manservants. It went triple platinum within the month.

He owns the PAX network.

He thought "The Princess Diaries" was both "charming" and "sweet depiction of one girl's emergence from youth into womanhood".

He made Styx BITE IT!

They say he bleeds peppermint vodka.

Did I ever tell you about the time that Friedel and I took a hot air balloon trip over Los Angeles? Friedel brings an atomic bomb and drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, "It would have happened sooner or later."

Brad Friedel invented the eyebrow.

Brad Friedel sells crack to nuns for sacramental wine. He uses it to wash his feet.

The movie "Deliverance" was based on Friedel's experiences as a high-school shop teacher.

His memoirs are tattooed on Oprah’s ass!

He's producing Battlefield Earth 2!

He receives radio messages from Mars on his pancreas!

His big toe is holding up Australia!

He took The Blair Witch to his senior prom!

He makes N'Sync keep Chris!

He invented "The Cleveland Steamer"!

Most people don't know this, but Brad Friedel has children! This one time, he was banging a hooker and wouldn't you know it, his semen shoots straight through her tailbone, up through the ceiling and into the sky where it hit a plane! Nine months later, every woman on that plane had Friedel's children!

Brad Friedel once arm-wrestled Chairman Mao.

Brad Friedel eats all of his meals with sporks.

His pubic hair was woven into the Sri Lankan flag!

His favorite actor is Greg Kinnear!

His middle name is Julian!

He uses live elk for backscratcher!

His cover version of Limp Bizkit's "My Way" appeared on the soundtrack for "Titanic". The Pope thought the song crackled with energy but he didn't like the sound of burning nuns in the background!

Did I ever tell you boys about the time that Brad Friedel wanted a World Series ring? Wouldn't you know it, but Friedel kills the entire starting lineup of the 1998 New York Yankees! All except for Clay Bellinger. They beat The Atlanta Braves in four games. Friedel was the MVP.

He pisses farm fresh orange juice!

His ex-wives call him "The Anal Astrologist".Brad Friedel gathers nuts when the weather turns colder.

Brad Friedel uses his forehead as a flyswatter.

Brad Friedel has successfully faked his own death 17 times.

"Do They Know It's Christmas Time" was a tribute to Brad Friedel.

Friedel eats corndogs by the dozen, including the sticks.

Brad Friedel brushes his teeth with a juniper branch attached to a Chevy 350 engine.

Goro from Mortal Kombat was modeled after Friedel's birthmark.

One year, for Halloween, Friedel rounded up all the squirrels in the neighborhood, dressed them up like Louie Anderson, and trained them to run his haunted House.

The beginning of Hunting Season is determined the first weekend in November, when Brad Friedel emerges and may or may not be frightened by his shadow.

Brad Friedel’s 21st birthday party ended with the invasion of Grenada and the invention of the ribbed condom.

You can get a good look at Friedel's ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take Cobra Commander's word for it?

Brad Friedel speaks with a faint Pig-Latin accent.

Friedel has a custom made Bowie knife that looks like a two-handed sword and cuts through Ford Explorers.

Friedel was voted to his 28th consecutive all-star team on the NDBA - the National Drunken Bastard Association. It would have been his 29th but he was busy picking up his MVP award from the NAKA - the National Ass Kicker Association.

Friedel won Japan in Vegas last year but gave it back because it clashed with his couch.

Friedel is the voice for the book on tape of "Mein Kampf"!

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel saved my life? Anyway I'm on a plane to Jamaica and we lose engine control. We were diving toward the ocean when I spotted Friedel swimming. He waved us over, bent down, and I'll be damned if we didn't have the smoothest landing on the small of his back! He still managed to lose our luggage though.

Friedel actually has a license to kill, he keeps it in his wallet between his Blockbuster Card and his dental insurance!

You all know Friedel's house right? Goes about 3 acres, 5 stories tall, it does. Anyway Friedel's giving me the grand tour and he locks me in a cage in his basement. I lived there for three years with little food and less water. But when "Better Homes and Gardens" magazine showed up, damned if I wasn't the main focus of the article!

The Grand Canyon is Friedel's footprint!

TO BRAD FRIEDEL! The closet robot who wrote 'Showboat' and puts gin in his car's gas tank!

Have you all seen that movie "The Ring?” Well, Friedel and I rented it, and sure enough that girl tried to come through his television screen. Friedel used his Tivo to pause it when just her head had entered his living room, then he repeatedly kicked it and used it for a toilet.

Friedel can make all the hair on his body recede and protrude again through sheer force of will!He's opposed to fur, so he just wears a live raccoon on his head instead of a cap, and I'll be damned if that raccoon doesn't cook him dinner every night.

It was Friedel's idea to invade Iraq, they told him Saddam looked at him funny.

Fed up with paying high electricity costs, Friedel created his own artificial singularity to power his air conditioner; he also uses it as a cue ball when he plays pool.

Friedel was visited by an angel who told him to change his ways, or face damnation. He tore the angel's wings off and beat him senseless with them, now he uses him as a hat stand.

You can drive a locomotive between his legs, but it might derail when it hits his penis.

Friedel invented sushi when he grew impatient waiting for dinner to cook. Even though it makes everyone sick, we still eat it because, hey, it's Friedel!

To Brad Friedel, the man who smoked the Empire State Building and snuffed it out in the Statue of Liberty's face - and she loved him for it!

So last year, Friedel and me are headed out to a Halloween party. I show up dressed as the grim reaper and Friedel shows up just wearing a large trench coat. Of course, everyone thinks he's just a flasher but when he takes off his coat, wouldn't you know it but he's replaced all his internal organs with chocolate bars and has keypad and coin return under his right nipple. Yup, he was a vending machine. For the whole night, he just sat in the corner, never talking or breathing. Every once in a while, someone would put a quarter in his mouth, punch in a selection on the keypad and sure enough, a chocolate bar would fly out of his belly button. Now, later in the evening, some guy put in his quarter, chose a mars bar and wouldn't you know it but it got stuck on one of Friedel's ribs. The guy got upset and started hitting and shaking Friedel. Now, Friedel doesn't put up with much and you know sure as hell he wasn't going to put up with this, but he didn't want to get out of character so he did the only thing he could do, he toppled over, crushing the guy underneath him. I'll be damned if he didn't stay there like that till the guy from Hershey's came and got a trolley and set him up right!

Did I tell you about the time Brad and I went on vacation? Friedel and me are headed to the Calgary Stampede one year and just before we board the plane, Friedel realizes that he forgot his cowboy hat. So we naturally switch planes to one heading to Montana. For three days we scoured Montana, hitting every ranch we could find. By the end of the three days, we had 137 cowboys in tow, all branded with Friedel's famous 'Drunken Abe Lincoln mooning George Washington' brand on them. So we ran them to the slaughter house, killed them, put the meat into the freezer and had enough skins to make Friedel one damned fine cowboy hat and had enough left over for a pair of the nicest cowboy boots I have ever seen.

Idle hands may be the devil's workshop but a sober ass is Friedel's shoe buffer.

Friedel found that regular computer mice were too small for him to use comfortably, so he went to Disneyworld, kidnapped a Mickey Mouse mascot, crammed a cord up his ass, and sat him down on a gym mat in his home office. Now when he wants the pointer to move he just kicks the mascot around the floor.

He invented the pony by compressing a horse in his mighty palms!

They say Friedel's crap comes out in compressed cubic form, just like an auto wrecker; it even has scrap metal in it for God's sake!

His parachute pants are made from real parachutes, and they're still only knee-high!

Friedel was the original engineering model for the M1 Abrams tank; of course they had to scale it down a bit for the finished product, and only include one cannon.

The beaver has a flat tail because Friedel stepped on one once; all the others have been afraid to speak up.

He uses elephants for an enema - I won't go into details...

To Brad Friedel, the fastest human on Earth since he killed all those Olympians.

Studies show that Friedel is the world's most ergonomically correct chair!

Ya know Friedel's a big fella. If he stood on his tiptoes his crotch would obscure the Hubble space telescope.

He uses the Dead Sea Scrolls as toilet paper!

Did I ever tell you about the time I asked Friedel how old he was? Anyway, I ask him and he says 'I forget', so he cuts his arm off and counts the rings. Sure enough he was 47 and you could see where he'd weathered a few nasty forest fires and I'll be damned if that arm didn't grow back before the night was through.

If you buy his memoirs book on tape version you just get an audio recording of his life so far. It's over 500,000 audiocassette tapes for God's sake!

Did I ever tell you about Friedel's bed? Anyway, when Friedel was a kid he used to sleep in a racing car bed. Years later he's driving in the Daytona 500 and when he comes around that last bend I'll be damned if he didn't fall right to sleep. Well, his car rolled right into the stands killing drivers and spectators and setting the whole track on fire. 8 hours later Friedel strolled out of the charred ruins and said "That is the best sleep I've had since I was a kid!"

To Brad Friedel, the giant ape-like creature who whistles while he works and ate his own weight in cheese!

Friedel is responsible for the over population in China. A few years ago, he had a hankering for some Chinese food so he walked over to China and the rest, as they say, is Friedel history.

Did I ever tell you guys bout the time Friedel wanted to get one of those personalized license plates for his chariot? You know, the one that Johnny Depp pulls on weekends? Right. Anyways, he wanted a plate that said 'IH8 NY' because as we know, he despises the city. Well, the plate arrives in the mail and it says 'I 8 NY'. Now I was expecting Friedel to go down to the DMV and ritualistically sacrifice everyone down there to Bob Hope but Friedel decided that he like the plate and sure enough, he went to New York and ate it. He was getting a little full when he got to the statue of liberty so he took a tremendous crap where Manhattan used to be and then finished the job and used the Statue of Liberty's torch to pick his teeth.

The Munsters is loosely based on Friedel's bout with crabs in the late 50s.

Friedel has his own alcohol called 'Braskohol'. One drop can wipe out every living thing in a 10-mile radius. He likes to drink it as a nightcap.

Friedel? He's about 12 foot tall, 960 lbs. Actually; he's lost some weight. Went on one of them Atkins diets. Here's the catch, though. He can only eat human flesh. So anyway, we're out at Red Lobster, and Friedel orders the human scampi. The waiter brings it out with no fuss, and I'll be damned if Friedel's meal wasn't Marlon Brando.

The Swiss army knife was based on Friedel's genitals! It's even got a toothpick for God's sake!!

Friedel wrote "Catcher in the Rye" Not the one by J.D Salinger. Friedel's was a story about the time he trapped famed Cleveland Indians catcher Jim Hegan in a giant bottle of Rye!! And I'll be damned if it didn't end with Friedel drinking that bottle, catcher and all!!!

They use Friedel's earwax to patch sidewalks and fuel the space shuttle!

You could light a match off his eyebrow and he wouldn't complain!

TO BRAD FRIEDEL!! The man who exclaimed while shooting out of the womb "YO JOE!"

The character of Lando Calrissian was based on Friedel. George Lucas liked Friedel's style, attitude, and the fact that he lived in a city in the clouds.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Friedel went for a checkup? Anyway I'm with Friedel when he goes for his annual physical. Well he leads me right to a mechanic's shop. They put Friedel up on the hoist and I'll be damned if they didn't change his oil, rotate his toenails and clean the dead bugs off his eyelids!

One Christmas Friedel didn't get the .44 Magnum he wanted so he grabbed Santa Claus, trapped his feet in a bucket of cement, painted him green and hung ornaments on him. And I'll be damned if he didn't win the neighborhood award for most beautiful Christmas tree!

One day the new intern at the office made the mistake of calling Friedel by the name Brady. Well you know how he hates being called that but he didn't blow up about it, he simply said "Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer." He then proceeded to grab that poor boy by the wrists and ankles, tie him in a confusing series of knots, and wear him as a loincloth for the rest of his natural life.

To Brad Friedel, a master tailor and snappy dresser if there ever was one!

When Friedel says, "You suck!" it's not an insult, it's an ORDER!

He's blinded himself through alcohol so many times he can now navigate through echolocation!

To the man who passed a typewriter and invades alien worlds while we're all fast asleep!


He uses manhole covers when he plays quarters.

Friedel has less of a grip and more of a chokehold on reality.

They say bad, bad Leroy Brown cried like a little girl when he heard Friedel was passing within a hundred miles of him.

Like a vampire, he has no reflection. Rumor has it he killed it a few years ago when it looked at him funny.

You know, Friedel once ate an entire touring company of the Rockettes.

He used NBA great Larry Byrd as a belt for almost 4 years, and I'll be damned if the boy didn't immediately become the best white player in the league.

The Catholic Church tithes ten percent of their income to Friedel... and that's gross, not net.

Friedel was sentenced to 200 hours of community service by God for some “unpleasantness” involving a screwdriver and a couple of cherubim. So he decides to do his community service at the National Ballet of Canada during their latest run of ‘Swan Lake’. Seems they couldn’t get his costume to fit so, Friedel uses the Toronto Sky Dome as a codpiece. It didn’t seem to help the Blue Jays though.

He has to use a diamond tipped circular saw to cut his hair because it’s so tough.

He's the reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Did I ever tell you guys bout the time Friedel and me had a picnic? Well, we went to a nice sunny field and set down a blanket and a pretty nice lunch. And since it was Thursday morning, Friedel was naturally drinking White Russians. Well, we're about to dig in to the food when Friedel notices some ants in the potato salad. Well, Friedel gets pissed and says, "I'll teach you bastards to steal from me!" and then uses his Friedel-powers to shrink himself down to the size of an ant. Well, he goes after those free loading ants and beats them all to death with an acorn. He then proceeds to head into the ant colony and kill every ant in there except for the queen, who he makes beautiful love to. This is of course how the famous strain of Friedel ants was started.

Friedel walked out of The Hulk halfway through when he said it was a "sissy, girly movie", then he proceeded to throw the theatre manager's car into the Pacific, FROM LONDON!

He uses cruise liners as jet skis!

Are you guys familiar with the concept of object-permanence? Well anyway, it refers to the fact that young children believe objects no longer exist when they can't see them. I'm sure you know where this is going; let's just say you better stay within Friedel's field of view, look what happened to Atlantis!

Friedel chooses all the Olympic cities based on the last place he beat a hooker to death.

He reanimated the corpses of Gandhi and Mother Theresa for a no-holds-barred fight to the death; it set a record for Pay-Per-View! And he donated all the proceeds to the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.

The Space Shuttle program was initiated by Friedel as a practical joke!

When he eats chili real fire comes out of his mouth! He set J. Edgar Hoover ablaze that way, three times!

Most modern-day pimps base their persona around the way Friedel treated his mother and younger sisters; it's the least they can do to thank him for all the business.

Like an anglerfish his penis dangles a light in front of it as bait!

To Brad Friedel, an Athenian AND Spartan veteran!

Did I ever tell you about the time Friedel went into the school talent contest? Anyway, Friedel decides he's going to do a musical act so he tears my pants of and pulls my pubic hair up to my head and ties it to my ears. He tunes me up and starts playing "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" And I'll be damned if he didn't win first place! He even shared some of the prize money with me.

When the bank asked Friedel to choose an ATM pin number he decided and then killed everyone at the bank to be sure it stayed a secret! And I'll be damned if he didn't get drunk that very night and tell me in two hours flat!

He would carve the Christmas Goose with his chin whiskers!

Did you hear about the time Friedel invited my family and I to dinner one night? Right anyway, he was amusing us in his parlor with a very good impression of Spiro Agnew when he realizes his chicken is burning. He served up a blackened piece of charcoal and said "Dig in" well we ate until we'd picked the plate clean and we all told him it was delicious even as they were loading us into the ambulance for severe bowel obstructions.

He uses Mickey Rooney as a knapsack!

He rides around with a Jolly Roger flag on his car and has been known to board and rob other cars!

To that gargantuan, heat seeking, serial mugger who roasted the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man over a fire and ate him whole!

TO BRAD FRIEDEL!!!!!!!!!!!

The kids show 'The Friendly Giant' was based on Friedel. If by 'friendly' you meant 'drunkenly flogging Captain Kangaroo'.

He only blows his nose with historical documents at least 150 years old.

Did I ever tell you the time Friedel and me went to get tattoos? Well, he was getting life-size picture of Jessica Tandy on his right forearm Well, I was going to get a dragon or something to go with the other tattoos I had on my arms when Friedel tells the guy to tattoo a little Friedel on my shoulder. Well, I wasn't about to turn down a good idea like that so I told the guy to do it. Turned out pretty good too. Of course, within 2 hours the tattoo Friedel had painfully removed all the other tattoos on my body and then raped me while I slept.

He hates the playa and cheats at the game.

The La Brea tar pits have something to do with one of Friedel's biggest drinking binges. He's told me he's directly responsible but refuses to offer an explanation to all those skeletons.

Blood is thicker than water and Friedel's blood is heavier than mercury.

One night me and Friedel are out drinking. When it gets to closing time, the bartender says we have to leave. Friedel shoots him, and then ties up an elaborate system of puppet strings. The act was observed by Donald P. Bellisario who later adapted the act into Magnum PI.

The show 'Sex in the city' is loosely based on Friedel's sexual adventures. Only the show has to do with gossip, and not the constant raping binges Friedel frequently has.

Friedel invented the concept of profanity one time when he broke both his arms bear wrestling and needed a way to hurt people when he couldn't just sock them in the mouth!

Friedel manufactured the world's tiniest movie projector so that every time he blinks he can watch "The Three Stooges" on the inside of his eyelids!

Did I ever tell you about the time me and Friedel went on business to Cleveland? Well, you know Friedel. He's a big guy. 7 foot eight, four eighty pounds. I hear he eats barbells for breakfast. So anyways, we're boarding our plane, and wouldn't you know, but a dozen nuns board along with us. And I'll be damned if a couple minutes later, Friedel doesn't ask the stewardess if he can have some milk with his Oreos.

Like an octopus he can squeeze through a keyhole!

Did you know Friedel is really naked all the time? He can make his body hair look like anything from a Speedo to a tuxedo when he feels like it.

Friedel wiped out all the Greek gods. Something about not paying gambling debts.

According to historical documents, Friedel is still technically at war with England, Japan and Bob Barker.

Friedel was considering running for governor of California, but his political advisors told him that a platform of 'making California do an Atlantis' probably wouldn't be the best idea.

Friedel considers Over The Top to be the greatest documentary made on his childhood as an arm wrestling truck driver.

He once made Mr. T put on a dress and give him a lap dance

It's been said that Friedel is only sober once every 24 years for 4 months. That's when he hibernates in the Mexican desert and lives off the wolves & rattlesnakes which he consumes right before he goes to sleep. He only wakes up on the 1st day of each month at midnight to eat Cuauhtémoc Blanco’s children and rape their mother.

Friedel once entered himself in the world poker championships. He made it all the way to the finals and had a winner-takes-all hand. Well, his opponent had a straight flush from the 3 to the 7 of hearts. Friedel had 10 to the king of spades and the ace of clubs. Well, I'll be damned if Friedel didn't stare at that damned card for 2 minutes while uttering the most horrific threats under his breath to it and sure enough, it turned itself into the ace of spades and he won.

He said his favorite pizza toppings are bald eagle, igneous rock, and ANCHOVIES!

They say you should eat the red M & M’s last. That's because they're Friedel's favorite and if he walks by and you don't have any left he may get upset.

Did I ever tell you about when Friedel abducted those Martians? Friedel straps 5 of em' to an oak tree and shoves cheese graters and car batteries up their asses while yelling "Lets see how you like it!"

Friedel once impregnated a rainbow, thus creating skittles!

Friedel likes to tell children that handicapped people aren’t handicapped, just lazy.

To Sir Bradley Julian Friedel! The 10 kiloton human H-Bomb who can un-hinge his jaw and swallow large mammals whole and farts "Flight of the Bumblebee" while in line at the DMV.

The cops have known where Jimmy Hoffa is for decades: his feet are certainly in concrete but that's only because Friedel uses him as a planter in his backyard. The cops are just too afraid to ask Friedel for Hoffa's corpse, and impressed with his flair for landscaping.

Brad Friedel can lay golden eggs that hatch phoenixes, although you can't get them wet or feed them after midnight.

When alarmed, the mythical Friedelsaurus will get on all fours and fling poo at its confused enemy.

He literally smacked the black off of Michael Jackson

To Brad Friedel! The 11 foot tall 10,000 pound monstrosity that took the Bride of Frankenstein to the prom and gave Papa Smurf the chickenpox!

So this one time, Friedel and I are out for a walk on the beach. Just don’t ask. Anyways, we're walking on the beach, and we come upon a large group of people surrounding a beached whale. They're all saying how sad it is that this whale has to die like this. Well ol' Brad Friedel steps up to the whale and says, "not on my watch", and proceeds to pick up the whale by the tail, swing him around and throw him hammer-throw style back into the ocean. And I'll be damned if that whale isn't still swimming in the ocean, telling all of the other sea-creatures about his encounter with the real Aqua-Man....Brad Friedel.To Brad Friedel, the two-ton son of a bitch who's still pissed that he wasn't invited to the Last Supper

The craters on the moon are caused by Friedel throwing his empties up there.

Did you know that Brad Friedel was the 1988 NCAA Simon Says Champion?He uses toothpicks made from the tusk of walrus and laced with cyanide.When Friedel first got to Blackburn, he would put on a white tie and tails and would walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes Friedel had to shoot the maid. To Brad Friedel, the 10-foot tall beast of man that could sell ice to the Eskimos. Mainly because they worship him as a god.

One time Friedel ejaculated into space and it landed on Venus-she had 18 moons and Friedel named them all "Gigi".

The US Olympic Softball team uses his semen as an energy drink.

That sunnuvabitch Friedel was swimming in the North Atlantic about 150 miles off the coast of Newfoundland a few years back when he got caught up in the gill nets of a fleet of fishing boats. He spooled the nets around his left forearm, pulling the trawlers to him, then kicked gaping holes in the bows of each. As the crippled vessels sank, the hapless crew abandoned ship whilst ol' Brad Friedel nailed each one not unlike Orca cannibalizing pacific fur seals. Seaboard communities quaked as accounts of the tragedy became known. To this day, that exact area where this happened is known amongst the North Atlantic fishers as the Friedel Parallelogram. A place that only the most foolish amongst Newfoundlanders will navigate....

To Brad Friedel!!!!

He names all his sons after Carl Weathers characters: Chubbs, Action Jackson, Apollo Creed, Fortune Dane, Hurricane Smith, Dillon, etc...

During the legendary battle of Sea Mammals and Land Mammals, Neptune rode upon the back of a Golden Sperm Whale and Jesus rode upon Friedel’s shoulders. The battle raged on for nearly a millenia, magic trident clashing with demon forged battle axe. When these warriors would strike blows upon each other rifts in the earth the size of the Grand Canyon would form. This epic battle destroyed the dinosaurs and started the ice age.

Long story short, Friedel got the blue slushy.

About a week ago, Sir Alex Ferguson came home from work ON TIME & SOBER and found the milkman loitering around the outside of his house crying like a baby. Concocting a vision of unfaithfulness in his head on behalf of his wife he stormed into his bedroom. Lo and behold there was that Brad Friedel laying the meat to his wife. Oddly, a sense of rage consumed him that was overpowered by a sense of awe and solace. He wanted to hurt someone real bad but Friedel uttered the following to Sir Alex, "Let me finish here then we'll talk". Upon that utterance, Sir Alex sat on the edge of the bed an watched art in action. Afterwards Sir Alex and that Friedel convened to the kitchen table and spent the next 24 hours drinking and BS'ing. Ferguson learned more about that damned Friedel than he’d ever thought possible. The next evening they wrapped up their bonding extravaganza, hugged, then Sir Alex signed over the deed to his house to the SOB.

Jesus had to die on a cross to save us from our sins. All Brad Friedel had to do was retire form the US National Team.

September 9, 2006 - Brad Friedel stops 3 Sheffield United Penalties. If he hadn't been sleeping off a month long vodka and stripper bender on September 11, 2001, he would have saved those too.

To Brad Friedel!!!! The Angry God of War that made American Schadenfreude what it is today!